Monday, October 6, 2008

yeaaaaaaaa...

about that last post. nevermind.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

believe it, bitches

the playoffs start tonight, but is this the year? you're goddamned right it is. go cubs, go.

Monday, September 8, 2008

dear Lifetime,

thanks for replacing the nanny with desperate houswives. now i have no reason to get out of bed – or wake up, for that matter – before golden girls starts. you assholes.

sincerely,
pat

Thursday, August 14, 2008

an exerpt from "her silver lining"

page 26:
gertrude held an off-white object under the water flowing out of the tap, and quickly caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. the dim light that surrounded her face cast shadows, unflattering patches of dark, which swept across the side of her nose and down toward her jaw. still, time had been kind to her - kinder than it had been to others she knew.

give us a smile, she thought to herself as she placed the dentures into the roof of her mouth. gertrude still wasn't comfortable with this set. she loved her real teeth, but it made sense to go ahead and have them replaced. a sly smirk started to poke at the corner of her mouth as she thought, these might get in the way tonight.

jameson, gertrude's husband, had died just over two years ago, and not a day passed where she didn't think about him. at the same time, she had often told herself, a woman's got needs – even at 73.

eugene was charming, had all of his original teeth, and at 75 was the talk of all the single ladies at piney shores. he had made his money early in life as a podiatrist, and after a couple of failed marriages, found himself gravitating to the life of a bachelor. at piney shores he had his own place to live, he bought his own groceries, chose what to watch on tv, and didn't have to share his bed... unless he wanted to.

eugene loved the way the gals glanced at him through their blinds as he and old carl batted the shuttlecock back and forth out on the badminton court. he also loved how the arts n' crafts ladies always called him gene, before offering to pose nude for one of his sketches. eugene was a stallion amongst old and broken down workhorses, and tonight he had chosen a new rider – gertrude.

sitting at the end of gertrude's bed, eugene felt a bit out of place. perhaps it was the photos of gertrude with her deceased husband that were framed and displayed across the top of her dresser. or maybe it was the religious iconography that dotted the walls – a crucifix over the doorway, a painting of the virgin mary over by the window. eugene never fancied himself a religious man; he believed in creating his own fortune, his own fate, and no one else (heavenly, or otherwise) had any bearing on his life's direction.

it certainly wasn't performance anxiety that nagged at him as he grabbed at the afghan that covered the bed. gene was proud of his ability to become erect. in fact, he had always thought that his boners would be envied by men half his age. he just couldn't understand what was tearing at the back of his mind.

before he could give it anymore thought, gertrude stepped into the bedroom, dressed in a silky nightgown. just as gene began to feel the blood rush to his groin, his mind cleared. was he in love?

gertrude moved towards the bed.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

made in china

well here's one good reason to not be a world class athlete – lead poisoning. apparently the gold medals being awarded at the Olympics in beijing are 99% lead alloy, and covered in a gold-colored lead-based paint.

don't worry, china has a solution: "we are urging all first-place athletes not to lick, taste, or suck on their medals."

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Friday, July 11, 2008

best dude ever.

apparently germans love two things: 1) booze, and 2) fighting fires. this wasted guy in berlin heard an alarm for a fire at an apartment building, and wanted to help.

"on hearing the alarm, the 38-year-old man had rushed to the fire station, was helped into protective clothing and helmet by unsuspecting firefighters and boarded the fire engine, a spokesman for suedhessen police said.

"after arriving at the apartments, firefighters quickly realized the man was an imposter and called the police, he added.

"'when fire breaks out, it's all hands on deck!' the man told officers when questioned about his motives. he was released without charge after sobering up overnight in a police cell."

hilarious.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

short humpday playlist

  1. nas – hero
  2. the frames – the cost
  3. s├ębastian tellier – le long de la riviere tendre
  4. m83 – graveyard girl
  5. ryan adams – two

Saturday, June 28, 2008

portland. day 12.

a lot of people have been asking me what portland's like.

well, everyday is filled with dancing and singing, not too different from this video:

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

portland. day four.

last week it was 102┬║ F in virginia. today, portland's temperature topped out at 63.

i don't think i'm ever going back.

hope you're all well and good.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

lucky charms

there's a new marshmallow charm in everyone's favorite cereal: the hourglass. lame.

Monday, June 2, 2008

hurray.

some nerdy kid spelled a word that most of us have never heard of to win the national spelling bee. which was broadcast live on network television. which was also reported on by thousands of people across the country (and world??).

i find the media blitz surrounding this goofy bastard almost as disgusting as showing high school baseball games on national television. or those 3-hour specials on espn showcasing which college different high school football players are going to attend.

no wonder we're a bunch of entitled crybabies.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

great scott!

fire destroyed the courthouse square set from back to the future. tis a sad day, indeed.

Friday, May 30, 2008

33-21

could this be the year?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

goodbye brandcenter, hello mountains

lost mountain, virginia

remember good weezer?

this ain't it. although it's close to their older (and not embarrassing) stuff.

despite the sound, this video is just plain weak. a video using a bunch of youtube characters? creative!