kids suck. fact.

christmas has shown me that, while i'm at school, i really don't come in contact with very many kids. it's for the best because i really hate them. a lot. here's why:

1. they're filthy. just filthy. with their filthy little hands getting your stuff all filthy.
2. they're loud, but not in a good way - like concert loud, or drunk loud. they're loud in a screaming right in my hungover ear way.
   
3. they turn perfectly good people into class 1 a-holes.
   
4. they're selfish. "feed me! wahhhh!" "change my diaper!" "look at me throwing up on your stuff!"
   
5. they're terrifying. kids are somewhere in my future, i'm not sure how near or far, but that's some scaryass shit.

seriously. the look on the faces of i see dads at wal mart, or the airport, or church says it all. that longing look in their eyes as i pass by in my party pants, with some hot dame on my arm. for a brief second they recall the good old days. then they're brought back to earth when they realize they're dragging their future around, kicking and screaming, by a tiny little hand.

but not me. that's not in the cards for me.

want to throw a tantrum? cool. see you at home. you want to stomp around and make a scene? that's fine. come find me in the dvd section when you're all finished.

i understand that tantrums and dragging your kid around is part of fatherhood, so i've got a solution.
no hand holding. instead, take a lead from all those crafty world travelers.
that's right. i'm talking about carrying your kid around like a piece of luggage. well, not your kid... my kid. and why not? you can put a leash on your kid. you can put them in one of those backpack things. throw them in one of those rolling carry-on luggage bags, and zip it up. done.