an obituary, of sorts

it's a sad christmas season for many throughout the southeast as they mourn the loss of two well-loved singles. robbie burkett, 27, and lindsay smardon, 25, bid their youths, and bachelorhood, a tearful farewell.

burkett, a charleston, sc, native asked his longtime girlfriend, leah, also a charleston native, to marry him on dec. 24 during a private ceremony. mr. burkett is remembered fondly throughout the columbia, sc, area for his hard-partying ways during his time at university.

"'ol' broken-neck burkett', as we lovingly referred to him on the rugby team, lived life to the fullest," lamented burkett's roommate of two years, patrick lorentz. "when he wasn't drinking, he was laughing, and when he wasn't laughing, he was probably trying to steal something. why, robbie? whhhhhhyyyyyy????"

burkett's decision to make an honest woman out of leah marks the twilight of his youth. he will be missed dearly. arrangements are pending.

smardon, of baltimore, md, accepted the proposal from her boyfriend of two years, sean, early on dec. 25. the memory of smardon still resonates across the university of south carolina campus. many still recall, with joy, the night smardon discovered the nude hide-and-seek game she was competing in had only one competitor - miss smardon.

"when it came to getting down, lindsay got down," laughed smardon's homeboy, lorentz. "i can only imagine the party that will commence when she takes that long walk down the aisle. holy shit. seriously, we're gonna get fucked up."

arrangements are still pending, however there will be an open bar.