a match made in heavin'

i won't sign up for a dating site, like match.com, no matter how much convincing i get from my friends. i prefer to be pathetic. having said that, here is what my profile would look like if i took that leap:

name: patrick
age: 25
hometown: ashley hall plantation, sc
occupation: graduate student
height: 6'2"
body type: let's go with athletically fat

looking for
gender: female
age: 24 – 40 (only rich 40 year-olds, thank you.)
body type: less fat than me. ok, a lot less fat than me

interests
me: films, night drives, being a music snob, the chicago cubs, funny shit, astronomy, dive bars, foreign languages, being smarter than everyone, paul rudd, international travel.
you: (see above), making out.

more about me
why would a girl be interested in dating you?
that's easy. i open doors for all the ladies - even ladies i'm not on dates with. call it the southern gentleman in me bursting out at all times. also, i always pay. if i know one thing (other than chicks) it's that girls love free food. finally, i never kiss and tell. right, [female's name has been deleted]?

do you have any weaknesses?
electro-pop music. oh, and mike & ike's.

turn ons
green eyes, sense of humor, being an expert in some sort of martial art, straight teeth, liking good music, and knowing anything about baseball.

turn offs
blue eyes, owning a lot of purses, leaving me for a fork-lift driver that failed out of community college.

anything else girls should know?
i'm better than 99% of dudes you'll ever meet. fact.